MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Bowing to the calls for of the pro-moist motion, Goal reportedly eliminated all towels from shops Thursday after a soaking-wet lunatic objected to dryness. “We apologize to the sopping particular person who felt offended and threatened by our promotion of dryness,” mentioned Goal CEO Brian Cornell, explaining that the towels have been by no means meant to pressure a bone-dry way of life on any sopping maniac who chooses to douse themselves in water and rampage by means of the shop. “Simply know, we at Goal hear you, sopping-wet People. You got here out moist, you reside moist, and you propose to die moist. And we respect that. Nowhere is extra accepting of consumers who make sloppy puddles wherever they go.” At press time, Goal mandated that every one workers needs to be drenched from head-to-toe.